Hello UK. We hear you’re getting tired of your current club and are thinking about cancelling your membership in June. Don’t feel guilty. It happens. People change and sometimes you need to move on in order to grow. I’m sure you and the EU will laugh about your time together at the neighbourhood Christmas party… someday.
Since you’re going to be single again, we thought we’d extend an invitation. The rebound can be hard times and it will be good to surround yourself with friends. Norway and Iceland are great people but not exactly the type to let you sleep on their couch more than a few days. That’s why we suggest you just go ahead and join Canada. We’ll be gentle. We’ll understand you need your space. We’ll share our poutine * with you on the park bench. We’ll even look up a recipe for mushy peas if you ask.
* That’s chips with cheese curds and Sunday roast gravy. Trust us on this one.
You’re thinking what? Canada? I know it’s hard right now but the EU was never right for you. They liked different music, they read different books, and when you wanted a quiet night at home they were raging it up in Ibiza. I know you were lured by their exotic parties and fancy accents in the beginning but as you now know, that doesn’t last. Canada is a better match for you. We already spell colour with a ‘u’ and show reruns of Coronation Street. It really is your kind of English. If you get tired of hearing the same old boring language, a weekend in Quebec is just like France but without the tunnel ride and 46% less arrogance. The main thing about Canada is that no one is pissed off at us and that goes a long way towards reducing stress. Our neighbours to the south have enough of that for the whole continent.
We hear it’s getting crowded over there. Grab a globe and just take a look at Canada. See all the empty space we have? Imagine driving from John O’ Groats to Cornwall. That’s the same to us as a quick little jaunt from Winnipeg to Calgary and we think nothing of popping round for tea with our provincial neighbours from time to time, even in a blizzard. And there’s four times that distance on either end left over. If you’re taking a casual turn round Canada get out your calendar, not your watch. Who knows, someday they might even build that hyperloop from Vancouver to Toronto. Until then, we do still have trains to make you feel at home. Just bring a blanket and a pillow because it’s a six day ride.
We also like to spread our personal spaces out a bit so plan on living in detached houses. None of this long skinny back garden business here so unless you’re in Toronto or Vancouver, don’t plan on sharing the walls of your home with other people. All this room to move about also means you likely won’t have three CCTV cameras pointed at your every move. We’re big on privacy that way here. You want twenty acres to call your own and be left to your own devices? Just pick an empty place on the map. It will likely cost less than the last few years of your TV license. We have a lot fewer sheep and loads more maple syrup than you might be used to but you’ll adapt I’m sure.
As for people, we’ve got all sorts. And every one of them will think your accents are cute. The thing with diversity in Canada is that we’re all so busy shovelling snow and going to Tim’s * that no one has time to notice how out of whack your beliefs and traditions might be. And extremists seem to have a really hard time plotting evil deeds with frozen hands on ice skates while wearing three layers under a parka. Basically it’s humans against nature here and that makes for a sort of solidarity amongst mankind you won’t usually find in warmer climates.
* We have Tim Horton’s on every corner. Sometimes two or three on every corner. I know this won’t mean much to you yet but they have cups and hot water and are usually very willing to listen to you teach them how to make a decent cup of tea. They have also become the default town hall gathering place, local news outlet, and warm chair while waiting for the snowplow to come past in practically every community from coast to coast.
We know the Euro was never your thing and you kept the great British pound sterling. That’s ok. We get that after years of living next to the US dollar. But our money already has pictures of the Queen on it. Just sayin’. Speaking of the Queen, she or her family still stops in from time to time over here but generally distance makes the heart grow fonder. Rather like relatives you only see at holiday dinners.
You need some oil? How about wood or gold? Lobsters? Beef? We’ve got plenty. Just say the word and we’ll trade you for cod and Nigella Lawson. We’re generally a bargain compared to the UK and it seems you like our former head banker well enough. No problem borrowing him for a while by the way. We’re generous like that with our bureaucrats who are slowly learning that if they leave us alone, we’ll do the same in return. We already pack our politicians into something called Parliament and name the main guy “Prime Minister”. They’re generally about as useless as the ones you already have but at least you won’t have to learn to say “Mr. President”.
Separatist headaches? We can relate. We all have relatives we love dearly but just don’t know quite how to handle. Scotland. Quebec. Enough said.
So there you go UK. You’re welcome anytime. Pack your bags and come for a visit. I’d hurry though because the americans are grumbling about their wall-building politicians lately (again) and there might be a wave of them headed north in the near future. Best to beat the rush.
