Any fan of Discworld knows that cabbage from the Sto Plains can power everything from flying stagecoaches to bank scandals. If that sentence makes no sense to you don’t worry, you can still use your own locally-grown cabbage to make coleslaw that rivals any you buy ready-made. And that includes the sea green version from certain multinational fast food fried chicken joints.
Like many in North America I started my coleslaw career with KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) when I was barely big enough to carry the fun little red and white box lunch. I remember thinking how neat it was to get honey in little packets for the biscuit, eating with a plastic spork (obviously a sign of things to come), and finishing the whole affair with the included wet wipe to get the grease off my fingers after all that was left was a train wreck of chicken bones and styrofoam containers. They nailed the balance of sweet and sour with their recipe early on but I can’t say I’ve set foot in one of their shops in ages. I hear the taste has become more muddled and less interesting as centralized factory production has taken over the chain and forced their coleslaw to come from far away warehouses. I suspect lawyers and accountants have unwisely modified the recipe over the decades.
I suppose if I had to make billions of servings of the stuff I’d start to cut corners too but thankfully a great home recipe is barely more than stirring ingredients together if you have a decent food processor. I think the freshness factor trumps all here and since it only takes sixty seconds to make, there’s zero excuse for convenience tubs of the stuff. Add a drop of green food colouring if you miss the technicolor experience of fast food or grocery brands.
It’s the logical side dish for heavy fried foods like chicken or catfish but can just as easily partner with slabs of BBQ brisket and ribs or top “pulled-pork” sandwiches on hefty buns if you get the ‘pop’ of flavour right. It can’t be so sweet that it fights with barbecue sauce nor so tart that it leaves your mouth puckered for anything that comes after. Balance, cabbage warrior, balance.
Sixty Second Coleslaw
2 cloves fresh garlic
1/2 medium onion, any variety
1/2 medium carrot
1/2 medium head green cabbage
1/4 cup “acid”, briefly warmed in the microwave
(This can be apple cider vinegar, white vinegar, lemon juice, or any mix you see fit)
1/4 cup sugar
1 – 2 tablespoons mayonnaise, homemade preferred
2 – 3 tablespoons cream or buttermilk
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon dry red chile flakes (optional)
3 tablespoons prepared horseradish
(or substitute 1 – 2 teaspoons wasabi or dry mustard powder)
Yield: Roughly four servings next to your BBQ, recipe can be safely multiplied
In a food processor fitted with standard chopping blade, process the garlic, onion, and carrot briefly, about four pulses just to begin chopping. Add the cabbage and continue to process with brief pulses until your desired consistency is reached.
In a large mixing bowl, add the warmed acid and sugar and whisk to dissolve. Add the remaining ingredients and whisk until well mixed. Add the cabbage mix and toss to coat thoroughly. Ready to eat immediately but flavours combine better when chilled for thirty minutes and up to a day in advance of serving.
– msh v.1.6
